Beyond Repair
A late love
You close your eyes and you see him. You remember clearly how it feels to have his arms around you, making time stop and fly by at the same time. There was never enough time together to not make you miss him. You can hear him laugh at your funny comment while he calls you stupid, in the good way. He makes you chuckle every time he claims he’s perfect. “Obviously”. And every single time he calls you beautiful your face turns red from blushing as your heart skips a beat or two whenever he holds your hand.
He promised he would never make you cry, yet he is the reason you haven’t stopped feeling sad. He says he’s always going to be there for you, but you are the one that lays alone in bed every night. His warmth is gone, but you can still feel him holding you. He whispers he loves you and kisses you. You can’t deny you love him too, and miss him almost as much as you love him.
How do you know it was real? You are certain it all happened the way you remember. Memories can be altered and feelings can be fabricated, but you cannot fake your love for him. A late love, the crazy kind that makes sense and none at all altogether. The one you where you just want to see him to talk to about your day and how everything went, or to just sit together in silent company. It could have been the one you grow old with.
You open your eyes, and you mourn once more as you have before. It is not a big deal- you tell yourself- you knew this is how it was going to end. But why does it feel like your heart is gone. You really want to use the word broken but that is such a cliché. Undeniably, there is a hole in your chest, cliché or not, and all you keep asking yourself is the same question all over again. Was it real? You wish it wasn’t, but you already know the answer. No matter how many times you think about it, this heartache is too painful and that is as real as it can get.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Why am I upset?
I’m upset because I am in love with you and it wasn’t supposed to be. Not like this. Because it’s not right and it pains me. And I really don’t want to hurt anymore.
It scares me because I care too much, even though I knew from the beginning how all of this was gonna go. Which is why I avoided it for as long as I did. It’s so unfair.
I’m basically at the same place I was last year, when you held my hand and told me you wanted me to stop hurting and be happy… But I guess some things will never change for me.
I don’t know when or how I fell for you, but we all knew how all of this was gonna end. Wish I could have said I love you more often than I did. And I always hoped we got to spend more time together than we did.
No one has ever held me like you did and I don’t forsee there would be anyone who will. I’m upset for that and a few other reasons. But mostly I’m upset because I love you and I know I will miss you.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Untitled
My biggest regret was not telling you.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Te quise mucho
Sí, te quise mucho. Sin recibir ninguna otra indicación, solo pasó. Y no sé por qué nunca te lo dije. Quizás por miedo. Por no tener el valor de decírtelo de frente o porque sabía que tú no sientes lo mismo. Después de todo, nunca sabré qué es peor: declararse aún sabiendo la respuesta o quedárselo todo por dentro.
Te dije lo importante que eras para mi; eso no fue suficiente para que te dieras cuenta de mis sentimientos o para hacerte entender que tus palabras y acciones me afectan de una manera intensa que ni sé cómo explicar. Me culpo a mi misma por las expectativas que tengo, o tenía, de ti. Pensé que ser amigos sería suficiente y aun en eso tenemos dos conceptos de amistad totalmente distintos.
Mencionaste hacer planes y, aunque sabía que no cumplirías, una pequeña parte de mi esperó con ansias. Pero nada, solo silencio, como siempre. Y como ya no sé si te vuelva a ver decidí escribirte un pequeño adiós pero ni eso reconociste. Parece que al final de todo yo nunca tuve importancia o prioridad para ti. Y eso duele porque te quise.
Sí, te quise mucho.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Irony
I worry about everything and everyone. Meanwhile, no one worries about me.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
#Blacklivesmatters
And while I try not to hurt from personal pain, the World’s condition we’re living in today continues to make me bleed. Today I’m not only crying for me.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
I’m Good, bye.
You hurt me. Whether you meant to do it or not, you still did. And the unanswered messages and silent nights overwhelmed me when I wondered why you decided to push me away, to cut me out. It seemed unfair… It still does. I didn’t deserved that. You could have just said goodbye for good, if that’s what you wanted.
Not treated right. It felt like I wasn’t good enough, making it seem I was never part of your life. I don’t know what reality I was living in, thinking you actually cared for me, in some way. But your actions have shown me that I still meant nothing to you though you meant so much to me. It’s okay.
I still miss you with the same intensity that I care about you (I won’t say love because you don’t deserve to hear those words from me). Sometimes it’s still hard to breath when I hear your name, feels like a punch to the stomach that slowly creeps up into my heart and makes it bleed. But I’ll be alright, eventually.
Right now my heart still has eyes for you and refuses to look at anyone else in that way. So I’ve decided to start looking into the mirror and love myself more instead. You could say I’ve gotten better while it still hurts. I haven’t really stopped thinking about you every day, some days more than others. And I still pray that you’re doing well, that you don’t forget people love you and that you’re not alone. And when I’m having a bad day, I beg God to let you have a much better one. Yes, I pray because I still care and I do hope only the best for you.
But I had stop trying to reach out in order to keep my sanity. In the end, effort goes both ways and I exceeded mine. I miss you, but you clearly don’t miss me. I wish you the best, and though my heart longs for you, it’s time for me to say ‘Goodbye’. Stay well, and I hope someday you allow yourself to be happy.
Goodbye, my friend.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Between heart and mind
It is only about time you realize that fairy tales do not exist, that not everyone is good at heart and that he will never love you. Because like everything else in your life, no one really cares the way you do.
Everyday you say you’re gonna stop, but you don’t. And that’s why you are so tired. That’s why I’m exhausted.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep doing this to me? I cannot endure it anymore. And I have told you a thousand times but you keep insisting, pushing; all for nothing.
Don’t you see? Even after everything he still does not see you. Not because he can’t, but because he doesn’t want to. That makes it so much harder on us. I don’t think I can go on like this. We battle every day, finally agreeing on the same yet when it comes to action you cannot force your hand and I cannot force mine.
What is wrong with us? When I want to give up, you don’t; when you want to call it quits, I push. Even when we both want the same, we cannot get it. Maybe we are the problem and not him. Because even when we agree we cannot act accordingly.
I mean, he told you not to fall for him. I told you not to fall for him. You agreed.
But like always, you went behind my back and did it anyway. By the time I found out, it was too late. And here we are: both hurting over someone who doesn’t want to see us; loving someone who doesn’t truly deserve us but that we feel needs us. We are well known for that hero complex, aren’t we?
The same complex that developed over time by being fed all the delusional crap we’ve read in books and seen on movies. We always tend to forget that does not happen in real life, or at least not in ours.
But I’ll stop when you do… Do you really want to? I do too.
But rest assured you are lying to me as I am lying to you. We know it is only a matter of time until we find each other having this conversation all over again.
Blue Curtains
Behind blue curtains lies a sailor that misses his mom,
A sailor who hasn’t seen her son in months.
Behind blue curtains lies a broken hearted husband,
A woman who just lost her father and couldn’t say goodbye,
An apprentice who feels frustrated
And a specialist that’s fighting depression.
Behind blue curtains lies a sailor who’s mom has forgotten her face due to illness.
There lingers that lost in space feeling,
Like floating numb into the abyss.
Feeling surprisingly different every day, not necessarily in the good way.
Behind blue curtains there are bursts of empathy, rage and sadness, all at the same time
And it doesn’t makes sense. It doesn’t makes sense at all.
Behind blue curtains there’s a sailor that wants to give up but keeps on fighting
Who keeps it all in and silently hates it
And cries hopelessly into the darkness.
Behind blue curtains the “Was it a good decision to leave for this” question arises
And “Would it really be worth it in the end?” pops in too.
Behind blue curtains it is remembered someone talked about sacrifice once
But failed to mentioned it might feel like a part of yourself is dying every day.
Truth is they didn’t forecast that behind blue curtains would lie a sailor who’s no longer the same person it was yesterday.
A look into the heart of Sunny 