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¤SUNNY¤
New you: It’s okay (Day 2 of 6)
It’s okay…
It’s okay to like someone and not being liked back. It’s okay to love fully without a shadow of a doubt even if you’re not reciprocated. It’s okay that life and love is about taking chances and leaps of faith. It’s okay to just enjoy that feeling while it lasts.
Because after all, you can still always smile. You can dance even if there’s no music playing. You can breathe and take in all the air you need. And, best of all, you can write freely.
It’s okay and we both know there is no better feeling in the world than pouring your heart and mind into a thousands words. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it doesn’t have to be pretty or right, it just has to be you.
It’s okay to be that silly, clumsy, honest, happy, full of life and hopelessly romantic you.
Being you it’s always okay.
¤Sunny¤
New you: The mirror (Day 1 of 6)
How do you reconnect when you’ve been gone for so long. How do you muster up the courage to look into the mirror when you’re dreading the possibility of seeing the reflection of a stranger, the possibility of not recognizing yourself. Will they still love you after so many changes. Will you still love yourself.
[Today is the first of six days I took off work to finally take a breather. And maybe find a little of the old me, the one I’m familiar with. As I’m writing this piece its 9:25 AM (Japan time) and already feels like morning’s gone.]
Time goes by so fast and you change with every second of it, you just don’t notice it until its too late to stop it. Why do you try so hard to stop it? Is it because you are afraid of being completely forgotten or because they might actually like the upgraded version more than you do yourself?
Maybe you put yourself down too much. There is so much you appreciate and love people for, why would you think it’s not the same with you? Not everyone is comfortable with expressing how they feel as you do. Not everyone wear their hearts on the sleeve like you. It’s true that some don’t care and the rest that do are just so scared.
There’s so much hurt in this world and scars are so well hidden, although I know not for you, you can see them all. Kind of a curse, some might say. Because when you want to be an asshole to others (even when they deserve it and you having every right to be one) you can’t. Deep down you know they are just broken people who are hurting and defenseless. And no one knows those feelings better than you do.
So, of course you are mean sometimes but never to the extent of purposely wanting to hurt someone, especially those you care about, and especially him.
Oh, undecipherable him. The way he looks at you and how he lowers his head to hide that smile. How he talks to himself when he thinks nobody notices. But I’ve seen you, you noticed. He is unaware of how time stops for a few seconds every time he walks into a room you’re in. Or how seeing his face everyday just makes it all a little bit better…
[Did we just strayed a little on that train of thought? *chuckles* It’s the heart doing all the writing, I guess.]
Morning it’s almost gone and time moves faster except when you’re in love, heartbroken or dying. It’s funny how those three sometimes feel the same. But from all of those, the first I wish you get to experience. And when it comes, I wish for both of you to open up your hearts and surrender to it.
The second, you hopefully will never go through. But if you do, may it be an opportunity for growth and never close your heart to new hope.
As for the third one; well, no one can truly escape death but hopefully for you it will come when you’re hair is gray, having fulfilled all your dreams and still in love with life, yourself and maybe him. Just like that first time you two met.
Just like that first time you dared look into the mirror and decided to let go of the old and love the new you.
¤Sunny¤
Listen
Have you heard the song of the lonely
silently screaming at night
It’s a song that keeps leaving
a long trail of footsteps behind.
A song, if you listen,
calling for help from afar.
Will you listen? Will you listen?
To the song of the lonely tonight.
It’s a heart that keeps bleeding
A soul that’s been broken
A love that’s been lost
And an unfulfilled dream.
It’s the song of the lonely
We all have sung it before.
So, why won’t you listen
to the song of the lonely once more.
The same pain has been shared
and we are not even aware
If a little more attention is paid,
you might be able to help.
For all a lonely soul needs
is for someone willing to hear
So, will you listen? Will you listen?
To the song of the lonely tonight.
¤Sunny¤
The Other Side
It was evergreen valleys where I used to roam free.
Where I sang my song, a song about you.
Where I saw my children grow, our children grow.
But suddenly I don’t see it anymore.
I am in an empty, cold steel box
Floating away, away from you.
A heavy heart, a sad soul and a broken promise
Of soulmates who met and,
Though they finally met each other,
Had to part ways.
Where the valley ends, begins a mountain
That makes me wonder
Am I still free to roam it too?
Can I still sing my song about you?
Will I be able to watch my children grow, our children grow?
I’m yet to see the valley that lies behind this mountain.
I’m willing to complete this journey.
But all I can think about right now is
Will you still be there, on the other side, waiting for me?
¤Sunny¤
Over Thinker
For an over thinker like me life consists of constantly questioning my purpose, other people intentions and different meanings to one simple word. It is not as easy to turn off my brain, ignore a situation or dismiss some feelings.
I overthink my worth, my goodness, and most of all, the reasons why someone else chose to love me. It is a little bit more than just insecurities emerging at crucial moments, it is feeling like I’m gasping for air while still being underwater.
I may come off as a needy person, and at some point that might be true. It is the constant need of reassurance and loving support that makes me stay in a sane state of mind and driven with a purpose; since even the slightest event or word can trigger my mind escalating into an episode where I question even my birth given name.
To that, add the feeling of guilt and I’m done. When feeling I’m an inconvenience and a bother to my loved ones can’t be helped, especially when they don’t yet understand what this feels like. Its not something that can be easily controlled, for it takes a lot of mind and emotional strength. But sometimes I’m just too exhausted to even see it coming and stoping it.
Who’s willing to stand beside me when I’m about to break down? Who’s actually there when I break down? Most of the time, an over thinker like me finds herself alone in a bar, crying her eyes out, wondering if I am even worthy of having a name.
¤ Sunny ¤
A peak into the heart
“I feel lonely.”
There! I finally said it!
Like there’s something wrong with saying those words…
Fear.
But fear of what?
Vulnerability? Weakness? Exposure?
No.
What I’m afraid of is feelings;
acknowledging their presence.
Realizing I have them.
*Shudders*
Realizing I have them for you…
Ugh!
This is why I never, ever use those words!
Because they open the door for more.
For more words, like “I miss you”,
“I want to see you”.
And finally “I love you”.
And all that will only end with the words I fear the most,
“It’s over”.
Or worse…
“I love you too”.
¤ Sunny ¤
Hope
¤ Sunny ¤
What do you do?
You can try your best to keep on going. But what do you do if your heart’s been stolen?
What do you then? When you no longer know what to believe. Where truth and lies are an indecipherable blur? When you realize you’re frozen and unable to move.
What do you do then? When the only one who can save you, doesn’t realize you need saving or worse, doesn’t want to.
What do you do?
¤ Sunny ¤
Rain
Watching the rain fall on a dark night, knowing I’ll never see your beautiful face again. “It won’t be the same, but it’ll be okay. Oh, it’ll be okay”, I keep saying that to myself.
But that’s just it, I don’t want to accept it.
I don’t like this change, I don’t like it at all.
I just want to keep seeing your face every day and every night. And, if the rain falls, have you by my side for the rest of my life.
“Please, don’t leave”, I begged you to stay. “Don’t leave”.
But you did.
And it’s been raining ever since.
…
Time has passed. And as I watch and feel the rain fall again, every night seems lighter and I accept I’ll never see your face again. It won’t be the same, but it’ll be okay.
It has to be okay.
Because, even though you left, the rain didn’t.
And rain makes everything better.
¤ Sunny ¤
A look into the heart of Sunny 