Posted on by sunandsea9

A late love

You close your eyes and you see him. You remember clearly how it feels to have his arms around you, making time stop and fly by at the same time. There was never enough time together to not make you miss him. You can hear him laugh at your funny comment while he calls you stupid, in the good way. He makes you chuckle every time he claims he’s perfect. “Obviously”. And every single time he calls you beautiful your face turns red from blushing as your heart skips a beat or two whenever he holds your hand.

He promised he would never make you cry, yet he is the reason you haven’t stopped feeling sad. He says he’s always going to be there for you, but you are the one that lays alone in bed every night. His warmth is gone, but you can still feel him holding you. He whispers he loves you and kisses you. You can’t deny you love him too, and miss him almost as much as you love him.

How do you know it was real? You are certain it all happened the way you remember. Memories can be altered and feelings can be fabricated, but you cannot fake your love for him. A late love, the crazy kind that makes sense and none at all altogether. The one you where you just want to see him to talk to about your day and how everything went, or to just sit together in silent company. It could have been the one you grow old with.

You open your eyes, and you mourn once more as you have before. It is not a big deal- you tell yourself- you knew this is how it was going to end. But why does it feel like your heart is gone. You really want to use the word broken but that is such a cliché. Undeniably, there is a hole in your chest, cliché or not, and all you keep asking yourself is the same question all over again. Was it real? You wish it wasn’t, but you already know the answer. No matter how many times you think about it, this heartache is too painful and that is as real as it can get.

∼ ¤Sunny¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

I’m Good, bye.

You hurt me. Whether you meant to do it or not, you still did. And the unanswered messages and silent nights overwhelmed me when I wondered why you decided to push me away, to cut me out. It seemed unfair… It still does. I didn’t deserved that. You could have just said goodbye for good, if that’s what you wanted.

Not treated right. It felt like I wasn’t good enough, making it seem I was never part of your life. I don’t know what reality I was living in, thinking you actually cared for me, in some way. But your actions have shown me that I still meant nothing to you though you meant so much to me. It’s okay.

I still miss you with the same intensity that I care about you (I won’t say love because you don’t deserve to hear those words from me). Sometimes it’s still hard to breath when I hear your name, feels like a punch to the stomach that slowly creeps up into my heart and makes it bleed. But I’ll be alright, eventually.

Right now my heart still has eyes for you and refuses to look at anyone else in that way. So I’ve decided to start looking into the mirror and love myself more instead. You could say I’ve gotten better while it still hurts. I haven’t really stopped thinking about you every day, some days more than others. And I still pray that you’re doing well, that you don’t forget people love you and that you’re not alone. And when I’m having a bad day, I beg God to let you have a much better one. Yes, I pray because I still care and I do hope only the best for you.

But I had stop trying to reach out in order to keep my sanity. In the end, effort goes both ways and I exceeded mine. I miss you, but you clearly don’t miss me. I wish you the best, and though my heart longs for you, it’s time for me to say ‘Goodbye’. Stay well, and I hope someday you allow yourself to be happy.

Goodbye, my friend.

∼ ¤Sunny¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

Over Thinker

For an over thinker like me life consists of constantly questioning my purpose, other people intentions and different meanings to one simple word. It is not as easy to turn off my brain, ignore a situation or dismiss some feelings.

I overthink my worth, my goodness, and most of all, the reasons why someone else chose to love me. It is a little bit more than just insecurities emerging at crucial moments, it is feeling like I’m gasping for air while still being underwater.

I may come off as a needy person, and at some point that might be true. It is the constant need of reassurance and loving support that makes me stay in a sane state of mind and driven with a purpose; since even the slightest event or word can trigger my mind escalating into an episode where I question even my birth given name.

To that, add the feeling of guilt and I’m done. When feeling I’m an inconvenience and a bother to my loved ones can’t be helped, especially when they don’t yet understand what this feels like. Its not something that can be easily controlled, for it takes a lot of mind and emotional strength. But sometimes I’m just too exhausted to even see it coming and stoping it.

Who’s willing to stand beside me when I’m about to break down? Who’s actually there when I break down? Most of the time, an over thinker like me finds herself alone in a bar, crying her eyes out, wondering if I am even worthy of having a name.

¤ Sunny ¤