Beyond Repair
A late love
You close your eyes and you see him. You remember clearly how it feels to have his arms around you, making time stop and fly by at the same time. There was never enough time together to not make you miss him. You can hear him laugh at your funny comment while he calls you stupid, in the good way. He makes you chuckle every time he claims he’s perfect. “Obviously”. And every single time he calls you beautiful your face turns red from blushing as your heart skips a beat or two whenever he holds your hand.
He promised he would never make you cry, yet he is the reason you haven’t stopped feeling sad. He says he’s always going to be there for you, but you are the one that lays alone in bed every night. His warmth is gone, but you can still feel him holding you. He whispers he loves you and kisses you. You can’t deny you love him too, and miss him almost as much as you love him.
How do you know it was real? You are certain it all happened the way you remember. Memories can be altered and feelings can be fabricated, but you cannot fake your love for him. A late love, the crazy kind that makes sense and none at all altogether. The one you where you just want to see him to talk to about your day and how everything went, or to just sit together in silent company. It could have been the one you grow old with.
You open your eyes, and you mourn once more as you have before. It is not a big deal- you tell yourself- you knew this is how it was going to end. But why does it feel like your heart is gone. You really want to use the word broken but that is such a cliché. Undeniably, there is a hole in your chest, cliché or not, and all you keep asking yourself is the same question all over again. Was it real? You wish it wasn’t, but you already know the answer. No matter how many times you think about it, this heartache is too painful and that is as real as it can get.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Sad
You’ve lost count of how many times people ask you “how are you doing”. Every time your response is different. The truth is you don’t want them to find out you are unhappy. Not because you’re mad at someone but because you feel very sad about everything that’s been going on in your life the past few years. It makes you sadder not being able to talk about it, because honesty is underrated and people prefer to lie instead of being straight forward about the truth.
Sadness covers you because no one really cares about you, or so you think. Sure, they ask about how you are doing but it’s become a superficial question; no one really wants to know what’s in your heart and mind, or what really bothers your soul. No one really appreciates knowing a little bit more about yourself. No one really cares that you have never been given a real chance.
And even after knowing all of this, you still keep jumping into the abyss and hope for someone to be down there willing to catch you. You see everyone else getting gently embraced at the end but that’s never been your case. And yet you hope it might finally happen, so you jump once more.
After all the falls where you’ve ended up face flat into the ground, shattered to pieces. After all the time it took you to pick yourself up, on your own, and put all the pieces back together again. After all the hope, the hurt, the pain and tears, you still jumped. But you’ve been falling for a longer time than usual, it feels like a loop. This time feels different because even though you are still falling, the closer you think you’re getting to the end, the sadder and colder you feel, and that’s never happenned before.
Because this time your heart is already broken and you haven’t touch the ground yet. This time, deep down, you knew the answer was no but you still fell.
You feel sad and call yourself stupid, as you are tired of everything, for not having what you’ve always wanted and probably never will. Because when you look at all the facts, even though life and people haven’t been fair or faithful to you, the only one to blame here is yourself.
No wonder you feel so sad.
For that, and whole lot more, you feel sad today and it’s the right way to feel.
Selfish Cycle (In your own kind of way)
Broken/
Human nature/
False hope/ All illusion/
You tell me I need to learn to be selfish/
Maybe I already am/ In my own way/
In loving you even when you told me not to/
In caring too much, for my own sake/
Maybe not being selfish is selfishness in its own way/
Senseless/ Lost way/
Sharp stabbing pain to the heart/
I am sad/ Sometimes more than less/
Whirlpool of madness/
Missing you has never been a problem/
Knowing you don’t miss me the same is/
Can’t reclaim what was never yours/
Brick wall/
Hard fall/ Splintered soul/
Say good night/
Go back into another restless night/
Wake up/
Repeat.
– ¤SUNNY¤
Some type of Love life
You currently do not have a love life, unless you count being in love with an idiot who doesn’t realize how much you love him and all he means to you a love life…
Every time you see a friends relationship go down the drains is like your heart breaks a little and you feel a little bit of pain. They tend to move on to the next person rather quickly and you can’t understand how they do it. How do they move on so fast onto the next person when used to say they loved the person they were with before? And that might work for them but not for you.
For you, loving someone doesn’t come or goes away lightly. If anyone ever really felt love as you do: a deep connection to someone you can be yourself and see a future with, someone you look forward to share all your life with. Someone you can’t take out of your mind even if you’re mad at them, and that you wish and pray is having a good day even if you’re having a really bad one. Someone you’re willing to go to the end of the Earth to make them happy and help them achieve their biggest dream and success. That kind of love, which is the only one you’ve felt, it is not easily broken or easy to part with.
You may barely have a love life and he may never come to realize it, but your love is real. Your love is wanting him to be happy, as happy as he can be, even if it means not ending up with you.
¤SUNNY¤
No way out
There’s no way out of this misery.
When you feel like your heart’s been ripped out and you were left to die out in the darkest alley of the world.
There will be no lights to guide you this time. You’ve reached your end and there’s no way out.
¤SUNNY¤
New you: “I am a mess” (Day 4 of 6)
You used to be strong and relentless.
You used to not show any pain.
What happened to you?
When did you change so much?
Why is your soul so broken?
It’s like your heart and brain are out of tune.
“I am a mess”, you say to the mirror in front of you.
And you are right. You are damaged goods.
But you are not the only one.
You just need time. And you need peace.
All you really need is time to heal.
¤SUNNY¤
New you: The mirror (Day 1 of 6)
How do you reconnect when you’ve been gone for so long. How do you muster up the courage to look into the mirror when you’re dreading the possibility of seeing the reflection of a stranger, the possibility of not recognizing yourself. Will they still love you after so many changes. Will you still love yourself.
[Today is the first of six days I took off work to finally take a breather. And maybe find a little of the old me, the one I’m familiar with. As I’m writing this piece its 9:25 AM (Japan time) and already feels like morning’s gone.]
Time goes by so fast and you change with every second of it, you just don’t notice it until its too late to stop it. Why do you try so hard to stop it? Is it because you are afraid of being completely forgotten or because they might actually like the upgraded version more than you do yourself?
Maybe you put yourself down too much. There is so much you appreciate and love people for, why would you think it’s not the same with you? Not everyone is comfortable with expressing how they feel as you do. Not everyone wear their hearts on the sleeve like you. It’s true that some don’t care and the rest that do are just so scared.
There’s so much hurt in this world and scars are so well hidden, although I know not for you, you can see them all. Kind of a curse, some might say. Because when you want to be an asshole to others (even when they deserve it and you having every right to be one) you can’t. Deep down you know they are just broken people who are hurting and defenseless. And no one knows those feelings better than you do.
So, of course you are mean sometimes but never to the extent of purposely wanting to hurt someone, especially those you care about, and especially him.
Oh, undecipherable him. The way he looks at you and how he lowers his head to hide that smile. How he talks to himself when he thinks nobody notices. But I’ve seen you, you noticed. He is unaware of how time stops for a few seconds every time he walks into a room you’re in. Or how seeing his face everyday just makes it all a little bit better…
[Did we just strayed a little on that train of thought? *chuckles* It’s the heart doing all the writing, I guess.]
Morning it’s almost gone and time moves faster except when you’re in love, heartbroken or dying. It’s funny how those three sometimes feel the same. But from all of those, the first I wish you get to experience. And when it comes, I wish for both of you to open up your hearts and surrender to it.
The second, you hopefully will never go through. But if you do, may it be an opportunity for growth and never close your heart to new hope.
As for the third one; well, no one can truly escape death but hopefully for you it will come when you’re hair is gray, having fulfilled all your dreams and still in love with life, yourself and maybe him. Just like that first time you two met.
Just like that first time you dared look into the mirror and decided to let go of the old and love the new you.
¤Sunny¤
Listen
Have you heard the song of the lonely
silently screaming at night
It’s a song that keeps leaving
a long trail of footsteps behind.
A song, if you listen,
calling for help from afar.
Will you listen? Will you listen?
To the song of the lonely tonight.
It’s a heart that keeps bleeding
A soul that’s been broken
A love that’s been lost
And an unfulfilled dream.
It’s the song of the lonely
We all have sung it before.
So, why won’t you listen
to the song of the lonely once more.
The same pain has been shared
and we are not even aware
If a little more attention is paid,
you might be able to help.
For all a lonely soul needs
is for someone willing to hear
So, will you listen? Will you listen?
To the song of the lonely tonight.
¤Sunny¤
The Other Side
It was evergreen valleys where I used to roam free.
Where I sang my song, a song about you.
Where I saw my children grow, our children grow.
But suddenly I don’t see it anymore.
I am in an empty, cold steel box
Floating away, away from you.
A heavy heart, a sad soul and a broken promise
Of soulmates who met and,
Though they finally met each other,
Had to part ways.
Where the valley ends, begins a mountain
That makes me wonder
Am I still free to roam it too?
Can I still sing my song about you?
Will I be able to watch my children grow, our children grow?
I’m yet to see the valley that lies behind this mountain.
I’m willing to complete this journey.
But all I can think about right now is
Will you still be there, on the other side, waiting for me?
¤Sunny¤
A look into the heart of Sunny 