Between heart and mind

It is only about time you realize that fairy tales do not exist, that not everyone is good at heart and that he will never love you. Because like everything else in your life, no one really cares the way you do.

Everyday you say you’re gonna stop, but you don’t. And that’s why you are so tired. That’s why I’m exhausted.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep doing this to me? I cannot endure it anymore. And I have told you a thousand times but you keep insisting, pushing; all for nothing.

Don’t you see? Even after everything he still does not see you. Not because he can’t, but because he doesn’t want to. That makes it so much harder on us. I don’t think I can go on like this. We battle every day, finally agreeing on the same yet when it comes to action you cannot force your hand and I cannot force mine.

What is wrong with us? When I want to give up, you don’t; when you want to call it quits, I push. Even when we both want the same, we cannot get it. Maybe we are the problem and not him. Because even when we agree we cannot act accordingly.

I mean, he told you not to fall for him. I told you not to fall for him. You agreed.

But like always, you went behind my back and did it anyway. By the time I found out, it was too late. And here we are: both hurting over someone who doesn’t want to see us; loving someone who doesn’t truly deserve us but that we feel needs us. We are well known for that hero complex, aren’t we?

The same complex that developed over time by being fed all the delusional crap we’ve read in books and seen on movies. We always tend to forget that does not happen in real life, or at least not in ours.

But I’ll stop when you do… Do you really want to? I do too.

But rest assured you are lying to me as I am lying to you. We know it is only a matter of time until we find each other having this conversation all over again.

Over Thinker

For an over thinker like me life consists of constantly questioning my purpose, other people intentions and different meanings to one simple word. It is not as easy to turn off my brain, ignore a situation or dismiss some feelings.

I overthink my worth, my goodness, and most of all, the reasons why someone else chose to love me. It is a little bit more than just insecurities emerging at crucial moments, it is feeling like I’m gasping for air while still being underwater.

I may come off as a needy person, and at some point that might be true. It is the constant need of reassurance and loving support that makes me stay in a sane state of mind and driven with a purpose; since even the slightest event or word can trigger my mind escalating into an episode where I question even my birth given name.

To that, add the feeling of guilt and I’m done. When feeling I’m an inconvenience and a bother to my loved ones can’t be helped, especially when they don’t yet understand what this feels like. Its not something that can be easily controlled, for it takes a lot of mind and emotional strength. But sometimes I’m just too exhausted to even see it coming and stoping it.

Who’s willing to stand beside me when I’m about to break down? Who’s actually there when I break down? Most of the time, an over thinker like me finds herself alone in a bar, crying her eyes out, wondering if I am even worthy of having a name.

¤ Sunny ¤