Posted on by sunandsea9

Between heart and mind

It is only about time you realize that fairy tales do not exist, that not everyone is good at heart and that he will never love you. Because like everything else in your life, no one really cares the way you do.

Everyday you say you’re gonna stop, but you don’t. And that’s why you are so tired. That’s why I’m exhausted.

Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep doing this to me? I cannot endure it anymore. And I have told you a thousand times but you keep insisting, pushing; all for nothing.

Don’t you see? Even after everything he still does not see you. Not because he can’t, but because he doesn’t want to. That makes it so much harder on us. I don’t think I can go on like this. We battle every day, finally agreeing on the same yet when it comes to action you cannot force your hand and I cannot force mine.

What is wrong with us? When I want to give up, you don’t; when you want to call it quits, I push. Even when we both want the same, we cannot get it. Maybe we are the problem and not him. Because even when we agree we cannot act accordingly.

I mean, he told you not to fall for him. I told you not to fall for him. You agreed.

But like always, you went behind my back and did it anyway. By the time I found out, it was too late. And here we are: both hurting over someone who doesn’t want to see us; loving someone who doesn’t truly deserve us but that we feel needs us. We are well known for that hero complex, aren’t we?

The same complex that developed over time by being fed all the delusional crap we’ve read in books and seen on movies. We always tend to forget that does not happen in real life, or at least not in ours.

But I’ll stop when you do… Do you really want to? I do too.

But rest assured you are lying to me as I am lying to you. We know it is only a matter of time until we find each other having this conversation all over again.

Posted on by sunandsea9

Sad

You’ve lost count of how many times people ask you “how are you doing”. Every time your response is different. The truth is you don’t want them to find out you are unhappy. Not because you’re mad at someone but because you feel very sad about everything that’s been going on in your life the past few years. It makes you sadder not being able to talk about it, because honesty is underrated and people prefer to lie instead of being straight forward about the truth.

Sadness covers you because no one really cares about you, or so you think. Sure, they ask about how you are doing but it’s become a superficial question; no one really wants to know what’s in your heart and mind, or what really bothers your soul. No one really appreciates knowing a little bit more about yourself. No one really cares that you have never been given a real chance.

And even after knowing all of this, you still keep jumping into the abyss and hope for someone to be down there willing to catch you. You see everyone else getting gently embraced at the end but that’s never been your case. And yet you hope it might finally happen, so you jump once more.

After all the falls where you’ve ended up face flat into the ground, shattered to pieces. After all the time it took you to pick yourself up, on your own, and put all the pieces back together again. After all the hope, the hurt, the pain and tears, you still jumped. But you’ve been falling for a longer time than usual, it feels like a loop. This time feels different because even though you are still falling, the closer you think you’re getting to the end, the sadder and colder you feel, and that’s never happenned before.

Because this time your heart is already broken and you haven’t touch the ground yet. This time, deep down, you knew the answer was no but you still fell.

You feel sad and call yourself stupid, as you are tired of everything, for not having what you’ve always wanted and probably never will. Because when you look at all the facts, even though life and people haven’t been fair or faithful to you, the only one to blame here is yourself.

No wonder you feel so sad.

For that, and whole lot more, you feel sad today and it’s the right way to feel.

Posted on by sunandsea9

Rain

Watching the rain fall on a dark night, knowing I’ll never see your beautiful face again.  “It won’t be the same, but it’ll be okay. Oh, it’ll be okay”, I keep saying that to myself.

But that’s just it, I don’t want to accept it.
I don’t like this change, I don’t like it at all.

I just want to keep seeing your face every day and every night. And, if the rain falls, have you by my side for the rest of my life.

“Please, don’t leave”, I begged you to stay. “Don’t leave”.
But you did.
And it’s been raining ever since.

…
Time has passed. And as I watch and feel the rain fall again, every night seems lighter and I accept I’ll never see your face again. It won’t be the same, but it’ll be okay.
It has to be okay.

Because, even though you left, the rain didn’t.
And rain makes everything better.

¤ Sunny ¤