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Invisible (Day 5 of 6)

When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower. You’d hide around the house, sneaking up on your mom while she pretended she couldn’t see you. You’d believe it and felt like the most powerful being on the world. You always thought how amazing it would be to just be invisible to other people and walk amongst them without being noticed. It was all fun and games.

But you grew up and now it’s not so fun anymore. Because of all the people that you would want to be invisible to, he is not one of them. Yet he acts like you’re no longer there. No words are directed at you and he doesn’t look at you anymore. It’s like all of a sudden you’d ceased to exist and he can’t (doesn’t want to) see you ever again.

When you were little you’d never thought being invisible would cause you pain and hurt and so, oh so much sadness.

When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower until you got tired and stopped pretending. But this time you cannot stop pretending, because he’s the one that gave you that “superpower”. And though you no longer want to be invisible to him, it’s not up to you anymore. And it doesn’t seem you’ll stop being invisible any time soon and that really hurts.

¤SUNNY¤

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You’ll survive

-“How do you survive a broken heart?”, she asked.

-“You pick yourself up and look forward.

And eventually you’ll realize it.”, he said.

-“Realize what?”, she questioned, this time fighting the tears in her eyes.

-“You’ll either realize that you never really loved them or that you lost an unforgettable kind of love. The kind that, even after healing and finding someone new to love, still leaves a small void that would never be filled by anyone else, only them.

How do you survive a broken heart? You keep on living and with time your hurt will be replaced by numbness, and that numbness will either disappear or never go away. You’ll survive, but you will never be the same”, he finalized as she started to walk away.

¤SUNNY¤

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New you: “I am a mess” (Day 4 of 6)

You used to be strong and relentless.

You used to not show any pain.

What happened to you?

When did you change so much?

Why is your soul so broken?

It’s like your heart and brain are out of tune.

“I am a mess”, you say to the mirror in front of you.

And you are right. You are damaged goods.

But you are not the only one.

You just need time. And you need peace.

All you really need is time to heal.

¤SUNNY¤

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New you: It’s okay (Day 2 of 6)

It’s okay…

It’s okay to like someone and not being liked back. It’s okay to love fully without a shadow of a doubt even if you’re not reciprocated. It’s okay that life and love is about taking chances and leaps of faith. It’s okay to just enjoy that feeling while it lasts.

Because after all, you can still always smile. You can dance even if there’s no music playing. You can breathe and take in all the air you need. And, best of all, you can write freely.

It’s okay and we both know there is no better feeling in the world than pouring your heart and mind into a thousands words. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it doesn’t have to be pretty or right, it just has to be you.

It’s okay to be that silly, clumsy, honest, happy, full of life and hopelessly romantic you.

Being you it’s always okay.

¤Sunny¤

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New you: The mirror (Day 1 of 6)

How do you reconnect when you’ve been gone for so long. How do you muster up the courage to look into the mirror when you’re dreading the possibility of seeing the reflection of a stranger, the possibility of not recognizing yourself. Will they still love you after so many changes. Will you still love yourself.

[Today is the first of six days I took off work to finally take a breather. And maybe find a little of the old me, the one I’m familiar with. As I’m writing this piece its 9:25 AM (Japan time) and already feels like morning’s gone.]

Time goes by so fast and you change with every second of it, you just don’t notice it until its too late to stop it. Why do you try so hard to stop it? Is it because you are afraid of being completely forgotten or because they might actually like the upgraded version more than you do yourself?

Maybe you put yourself down too much. There is so much you appreciate and love people for, why would you think it’s not the same with you? Not everyone is comfortable with expressing how they feel as you do. Not everyone wear their hearts on the sleeve like you. It’s true that some don’t care and the rest that do are just so scared.

There’s so much hurt in this world and scars are so well hidden, although I know not for you, you can see them all. Kind of a curse, some might say. Because when you want to be an asshole to others (even when they deserve it and you having every right to be one) you can’t. Deep down you know they are just broken people who are hurting and defenseless. And no one knows those feelings better than you do.

So, of course you are mean sometimes but never to the extent of purposely wanting to hurt someone, especially those you care about, and especially him.

Oh, undecipherable him. The way he looks at you and how he lowers his head to hide that smile. How he talks to himself when he thinks nobody notices. But I’ve seen you, you noticed. He is unaware of how time stops for a few seconds every time he walks into a room you’re in. Or how seeing his face everyday just makes it all a little bit better…

[Did we just strayed a little on that train of thought? *chuckles* It’s the heart doing all the writing, I guess.]

Morning it’s almost gone and time moves faster except when you’re in love, heartbroken or dying. It’s funny how those three sometimes feel the same. But from all of those, the first I wish you get to experience. And when it comes, I wish for both of you to open up your hearts and surrender to it.

The second, you hopefully will never go through. But if you do, may it be an opportunity for growth and never close your heart to new hope.

As for the third one; well, no one can truly escape death but hopefully for you it will come when you’re hair is gray, having fulfilled all your dreams and still in love with life, yourself and maybe him. Just like that first time you two met.

Just like that first time you dared look into the mirror and decided to let go of the old and love the new you.

¤Sunny¤

 

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Over Thinker

For an over thinker like me life consists of constantly questioning my purpose, other people intentions and different meanings to one simple word. It is not as easy to turn off my brain, ignore a situation or dismiss some feelings.

I overthink my worth, my goodness, and most of all, the reasons why someone else chose to love me. It is a little bit more than just insecurities emerging at crucial moments, it is feeling like I’m gasping for air while still being underwater.

I may come off as a needy person, and at some point that might be true. It is the constant need of reassurance and loving support that makes me stay in a sane state of mind and driven with a purpose; since even the slightest event or word can trigger my mind escalating into an episode where I question even my birth given name.

To that, add the feeling of guilt and I’m done. When feeling I’m an inconvenience and a bother to my loved ones can’t be helped, especially when they don’t yet understand what this feels like. Its not something that can be easily controlled, for it takes a lot of mind and emotional strength. But sometimes I’m just too exhausted to even see it coming and stoping it.

Who’s willing to stand beside me when I’m about to break down? Who’s actually there when I break down? Most of the time, an over thinker like me finds herself alone in a bar, crying her eyes out, wondering if I am even worthy of having a name.

¤ Sunny ¤

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A peak into the heart

“I feel lonely.”
There! I finally said it!
Like there’s something wrong with saying those words…

Fear.
But fear of what?
Vulnerability? Weakness? Exposure?

No.
What I’m afraid of is feelings;
acknowledging their presence.

Realizing I have them.
*Shudders*
Realizing I have them for you…

Ugh!
This is why I never, ever use those words!
Because they open the door for more.

For more words, like “I miss you”,
“I want to see you”.
And finally “I love you”.

And all that will only end with the words I fear the most,
“It’s over”.
Or worse…
“I love you too”.

¤ Sunny ¤

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Rain

Watching the rain fall on a dark night, knowing I’ll never see your beautiful face again.  “It won’t be the same, but it’ll be okay. Oh, it’ll be okay”, I keep saying that to myself.

But that’s just it, I don’t want to accept it.
I don’t like this change, I don’t like it at all.

I just want to keep seeing your face every day and every night. And, if the rain falls, have you by my side for the rest of my life.

“Please, don’t leave”, I begged you to stay. “Don’t leave”.
But you did.
And it’s been raining ever since.

…
Time has passed. And as I watch and feel the rain fall again, every night seems lighter and I accept I’ll never see your face again. It won’t be the same, but it’ll be okay.
It has to be okay.

Because, even though you left, the rain didn’t.
And rain makes everything better.

¤ Sunny ¤

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Willing Smile

Behind her willing smile dwelled a sadness deeper than the ocean, filled with the tears she had poured over the years of unspoken words and kept feelings. She thought a taken risk will break her heart, but she never realized it was, in fact, a broken heart what she had for never trying.

¤ Sunny ¤