“Cause I thought it would eventually start to fade but I still miss you like I did the first day” – ¤SUNNY¤
(Aug 27, 2019)
No way out
There’s no way out of this misery.
When you feel like your heart’s been ripped out and you were left to die out in the darkest alley of the world.
There will be no lights to guide you this time. You’ve reached your end and there’s no way out.
¤SUNNY¤
New you: Lost Game (Day 6 of 6)
You thought you were a new you, but you keep doing it; it turns out you’re the same old one.
Losing and parting ways before absence takes place, while they are still here.
There’s that deafening silence that pierces through and reaches your soul.
But you swallow your heart and shut your senses to what feels real.
Turns out you lost.
¤SUNNY¤
Invisible (Day 5 of 6)
When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower. You’d hide around the house, sneaking up on your mom while she pretended she couldn’t see you. You’d believe it and felt like the most powerful being on the world. You always thought how amazing it would be to just be invisible to other people and walk amongst them without being noticed. It was all fun and games.
But you grew up and now it’s not so fun anymore. Because of all the people that you would want to be invisible to, he is not one of them. Yet he acts like you’re no longer there. No words are directed at you and he doesn’t look at you anymore. It’s like all of a sudden you’d ceased to exist and he can’t (doesn’t want to) see you ever again.
When you were little you’d never thought being invisible would cause you pain and hurt and so, oh so much sadness.
When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower until you got tired and stopped pretending. But this time you cannot stop pretending, because he’s the one that gave you that “superpower”. And though you no longer want to be invisible to him, it’s not up to you anymore. And it doesn’t seem you’ll stop being invisible any time soon and that really hurts.
¤SUNNY¤
You’ll survive
-“How do you survive a broken heart?”, she asked.
-“You pick yourself up and look forward.
And eventually you’ll realize it.”, he said.
-“Realize what?”, she questioned, this time fighting the tears in her eyes.
-“You’ll either realize that you never really loved them or that you lost an unforgettable kind of love. The kind that, even after healing and finding someone new to love, still leaves a small void that would never be filled by anyone else, only them.
How do you survive a broken heart? You keep on living and with time your hurt will be replaced by numbness, and that numbness will either disappear or never go away. You’ll survive, but you will never be the same”, he finalized as she started to walk away.
¤SUNNY¤
New you: “I am a mess” (Day 4 of 6)
You used to be strong and relentless.
You used to not show any pain.
What happened to you?
When did you change so much?
Why is your soul so broken?
It’s like your heart and brain are out of tune.
“I am a mess”, you say to the mirror in front of you.
And you are right. You are damaged goods.
But you are not the only one.
You just need time. And you need peace.
All you really need is time to heal.
¤SUNNY¤
New you: The mirror (Day 1 of 6)
How do you reconnect when you’ve been gone for so long. How do you muster up the courage to look into the mirror when you’re dreading the possibility of seeing the reflection of a stranger, the possibility of not recognizing yourself. Will they still love you after so many changes. Will you still love yourself.
[Today is the first of six days I took off work to finally take a breather. And maybe find a little of the old me, the one I’m familiar with. As I’m writing this piece its 9:25 AM (Japan time) and already feels like morning’s gone.]
Time goes by so fast and you change with every second of it, you just don’t notice it until its too late to stop it. Why do you try so hard to stop it? Is it because you are afraid of being completely forgotten or because they might actually like the upgraded version more than you do yourself?
Maybe you put yourself down too much. There is so much you appreciate and love people for, why would you think it’s not the same with you? Not everyone is comfortable with expressing how they feel as you do. Not everyone wear their hearts on the sleeve like you. It’s true that some don’t care and the rest that do are just so scared.
There’s so much hurt in this world and scars are so well hidden, although I know not for you, you can see them all. Kind of a curse, some might say. Because when you want to be an asshole to others (even when they deserve it and you having every right to be one) you can’t. Deep down you know they are just broken people who are hurting and defenseless. And no one knows those feelings better than you do.
So, of course you are mean sometimes but never to the extent of purposely wanting to hurt someone, especially those you care about, and especially him.
Oh, undecipherable him. The way he looks at you and how he lowers his head to hide that smile. How he talks to himself when he thinks nobody notices. But I’ve seen you, you noticed. He is unaware of how time stops for a few seconds every time he walks into a room you’re in. Or how seeing his face everyday just makes it all a little bit better…
[Did we just strayed a little on that train of thought? *chuckles* It’s the heart doing all the writing, I guess.]
Morning it’s almost gone and time moves faster except when you’re in love, heartbroken or dying. It’s funny how those three sometimes feel the same. But from all of those, the first I wish you get to experience. And when it comes, I wish for both of you to open up your hearts and surrender to it.
The second, you hopefully will never go through. But if you do, may it be an opportunity for growth and never close your heart to new hope.
As for the third one; well, no one can truly escape death but hopefully for you it will come when you’re hair is gray, having fulfilled all your dreams and still in love with life, yourself and maybe him. Just like that first time you two met.
Just like that first time you dared look into the mirror and decided to let go of the old and love the new you.
¤Sunny¤
Listen
Have you heard the song of the lonely
silently screaming at night
It’s a song that keeps leaving
a long trail of footsteps behind.
A song, if you listen,
calling for help from afar.
Will you listen? Will you listen?
To the song of the lonely tonight.
It’s a heart that keeps bleeding
A soul that’s been broken
A love that’s been lost
And an unfulfilled dream.
It’s the song of the lonely
We all have sung it before.
So, why won’t you listen
to the song of the lonely once more.
The same pain has been shared
and we are not even aware
If a little more attention is paid,
you might be able to help.
For all a lonely soul needs
is for someone willing to hear
So, will you listen? Will you listen?
To the song of the lonely tonight.
¤Sunny¤
The Other Side
It was evergreen valleys where I used to roam free.
Where I sang my song, a song about you.
Where I saw my children grow, our children grow.
But suddenly I don’t see it anymore.
I am in an empty, cold steel box
Floating away, away from you.
A heavy heart, a sad soul and a broken promise
Of soulmates who met and,
Though they finally met each other,
Had to part ways.
Where the valley ends, begins a mountain
That makes me wonder
Am I still free to roam it too?
Can I still sing my song about you?
Will I be able to watch my children grow, our children grow?
I’m yet to see the valley that lies behind this mountain.
I’m willing to complete this journey.
But all I can think about right now is
Will you still be there, on the other side, waiting for me?
¤Sunny¤
A peak into the heart
“I feel lonely.”
There! I finally said it!
Like there’s something wrong with saying those words…
Fear.
But fear of what?
Vulnerability? Weakness? Exposure?
No.
What I’m afraid of is feelings;
acknowledging their presence.
Realizing I have them.
*Shudders*
Realizing I have them for you…
Ugh!
This is why I never, ever use those words!
Because they open the door for more.
For more words, like “I miss you”,
“I want to see you”.
And finally “I love you”.
And all that will only end with the words I fear the most,
“It’s over”.
Or worse…
“I love you too”.
¤ Sunny ¤
A look into the heart of Sunny 