Posted on by sunandsea9

I’m Good, bye.

You hurt me. Whether you meant to do it or not, you still did. And the unanswered messages and silent nights overwhelmed me when I wondered why you decided to push me away, to cut me out. It seemed unfair… It still does. I didn’t deserved that. You could have just said goodbye for good, if that’s what you wanted.

Not treated right. It felt like I wasn’t good enough, making it seem I was never part of your life. I don’t know what reality I was living in, thinking you actually cared for me, in some way. But your actions have shown me that I still meant nothing to you though you meant so much to me. It’s okay.

I still miss you with the same intensity that I care about you (I won’t say love because you don’t deserve to hear those words from me). Sometimes it’s still hard to breath when I hear your name, feels like a punch to the stomach that slowly creeps up into my heart and makes it bleed. But I’ll be alright, eventually.

Right now my heart still has eyes for you and refuses to look at anyone else in that way. So I’ve decided to start looking into the mirror and love myself more instead. You could say I’ve gotten better while it still hurts. I haven’t really stopped thinking about you every day, some days more than others. And I still pray that you’re doing well, that you don’t forget people love you and that you’re not alone. And when I’m having a bad day, I beg God to let you have a much better one. Yes, I pray because I still care and I do hope only the best for you.

But I had stop trying to reach out in order to keep my sanity. In the end, effort goes both ways and I exceeded mine. I miss you, but you clearly don’t miss me. I wish you the best, and though my heart longs for you, it’s time for me to say ‘Goodbye’. Stay well, and I hope someday you allow yourself to be happy.

Goodbye, my friend.

∼ ¤Sunny¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

Sad

You’ve lost count of how many times people ask you “how are you doing”. Every time your response is different. The truth is you don’t want them to find out you are unhappy. Not because you’re mad at someone but because you feel very sad about everything that’s been going on in your life the past few years. It makes you sadder not being able to talk about it, because honesty is underrated and people prefer to lie instead of being straight forward about the truth.

Sadness covers you because no one really cares about you, or so you think. Sure, they ask about how you are doing but it’s become a superficial question; no one really wants to know what’s in your heart and mind, or what really bothers your soul. No one really appreciates knowing a little bit more about yourself. No one really cares that you have never been given a real chance.

And even after knowing all of this, you still keep jumping into the abyss and hope for someone to be down there willing to catch you. You see everyone else getting gently embraced at the end but that’s never been your case. And yet you hope it might finally happen, so you jump once more.

After all the falls where you’ve ended up face flat into the ground, shattered to pieces. After all the time it took you to pick yourself up, on your own, and put all the pieces back together again. After all the hope, the hurt, the pain and tears, you still jumped. But you’ve been falling for a longer time than usual, it feels like a loop. This time feels different because even though you are still falling, the closer you think you’re getting to the end, the sadder and colder you feel, and that’s never happenned before.

Because this time your heart is already broken and you haven’t touch the ground yet. This time, deep down, you knew the answer was no but you still fell.

You feel sad and call yourself stupid, as you are tired of everything, for not having what you’ve always wanted and probably never will. Because when you look at all the facts, even though life and people haven’t been fair or faithful to you, the only one to blame here is yourself.

No wonder you feel so sad.

For that, and whole lot more, you feel sad today and it’s the right way to feel.

Posted on by sunandsea9

Selfish Cycle (In your own kind of way)

Broken/

Human nature/

False hope/ All illusion/

You tell me I need to learn to be selfish/

Maybe I already am/ In my own way/

In loving you even when you told me not to/

In caring too much, for my own sake/

Maybe not being selfish is selfishness in its own way/

Senseless/ Lost way/

Sharp stabbing pain to the heart/

I am sad/ Sometimes more than less/

Whirlpool of madness/

Missing you has never been a problem/

Knowing you don’t miss me the same is/

Can’t reclaim what was never yours/

Brick wall/

Hard fall/ Splintered soul/

Say good night/

Go back into another restless night/

Wake up/

Repeat.

– ¤SUNNY¤

“I am strong, but I am also tired. A deep breath fills my lungs every few seconds so my feet can keep moving forward on a road that, I can only hope, leads me straight to you.” – ¤SUNNY¤

(Sept. 18, 2019)

Posted on by sunandsea9

Some type of Love life

You currently do not have a love life, unless you count being in love with an idiot who doesn’t realize how much you love him and all he means to you a love life…

Every time you see a friends relationship go down the drains is like your heart breaks a little and you feel a little bit of pain. They tend to move on to the next person rather quickly and you can’t understand how they do it. How do they move on so fast onto the next person when used to say they loved the person they were with before? And that might work for them but not for you.

For you, loving someone doesn’t come or goes away lightly. If anyone ever really felt love as you do: a deep connection to someone you can be yourself and see a future with, someone you look forward to share all your life with. Someone you can’t take out of your mind even if you’re mad at them, and that you wish and pray is having a good day even if you’re having a really bad one. Someone you’re willing to go to the end of the Earth to make them happy and help them achieve their biggest dream and success. That kind of love, which is the only one you’ve felt, it is not easily broken or easy to part with.

You may barely have a love life and he may never come to realize it, but your love is real. Your love is wanting him to be happy, as happy as he can be, even if it means not ending up with you.

¤SUNNY¤

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New you: “I am a mess” (Day 4 of 6)

You used to be strong and relentless.

You used to not show any pain.

What happened to you?

When did you change so much?

Why is your soul so broken?

It’s like your heart and brain are out of tune.

“I am a mess”, you say to the mirror in front of you.

And you are right. You are damaged goods.

But you are not the only one.

You just need time. And you need peace.

All you really need is time to heal.

¤SUNNY¤

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New you: It’s okay (Day 2 of 6)

It’s okay…

It’s okay to like someone and not being liked back. It’s okay to love fully without a shadow of a doubt even if you’re not reciprocated. It’s okay that life and love is about taking chances and leaps of faith. It’s okay to just enjoy that feeling while it lasts.

Because after all, you can still always smile. You can dance even if there’s no music playing. You can breathe and take in all the air you need. And, best of all, you can write freely.

It’s okay and we both know there is no better feeling in the world than pouring your heart and mind into a thousands words. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it doesn’t have to be pretty or right, it just has to be you.

It’s okay to be that silly, clumsy, honest, happy, full of life and hopelessly romantic you.

Being you it’s always okay.

¤Sunny¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

New you: The mirror (Day 1 of 6)

How do you reconnect when you’ve been gone for so long. How do you muster up the courage to look into the mirror when you’re dreading the possibility of seeing the reflection of a stranger, the possibility of not recognizing yourself. Will they still love you after so many changes. Will you still love yourself.

[Today is the first of six days I took off work to finally take a breather. And maybe find a little of the old me, the one I’m familiar with. As I’m writing this piece its 9:25 AM (Japan time) and already feels like morning’s gone.]

Time goes by so fast and you change with every second of it, you just don’t notice it until its too late to stop it. Why do you try so hard to stop it? Is it because you are afraid of being completely forgotten or because they might actually like the upgraded version more than you do yourself?

Maybe you put yourself down too much. There is so much you appreciate and love people for, why would you think it’s not the same with you? Not everyone is comfortable with expressing how they feel as you do. Not everyone wear their hearts on the sleeve like you. It’s true that some don’t care and the rest that do are just so scared.

There’s so much hurt in this world and scars are so well hidden, although I know not for you, you can see them all. Kind of a curse, some might say. Because when you want to be an asshole to others (even when they deserve it and you having every right to be one) you can’t. Deep down you know they are just broken people who are hurting and defenseless. And no one knows those feelings better than you do.

So, of course you are mean sometimes but never to the extent of purposely wanting to hurt someone, especially those you care about, and especially him.

Oh, undecipherable him. The way he looks at you and how he lowers his head to hide that smile. How he talks to himself when he thinks nobody notices. But I’ve seen you, you noticed. He is unaware of how time stops for a few seconds every time he walks into a room you’re in. Or how seeing his face everyday just makes it all a little bit better…

[Did we just strayed a little on that train of thought? *chuckles* It’s the heart doing all the writing, I guess.]

Morning it’s almost gone and time moves faster except when you’re in love, heartbroken or dying. It’s funny how those three sometimes feel the same. But from all of those, the first I wish you get to experience. And when it comes, I wish for both of you to open up your hearts and surrender to it.

The second, you hopefully will never go through. But if you do, may it be an opportunity for growth and never close your heart to new hope.

As for the third one; well, no one can truly escape death but hopefully for you it will come when you’re hair is gray, having fulfilled all your dreams and still in love with life, yourself and maybe him. Just like that first time you two met.

Just like that first time you dared look into the mirror and decided to let go of the old and love the new you.

¤Sunny¤

 

Posted on by sunandsea9

The Other Side

It was evergreen valleys where I used to roam free.
Where I sang my song, a song about you.
Where I saw my children grow, our children grow.

But suddenly I don’t see it anymore.
I am in an empty, cold steel box
Floating away, away from you.

A heavy heart, a sad soul and a broken promise
Of soulmates who met and,
Though they finally met each other,
Had to part ways.

Where the valley ends, begins a mountain
That makes me wonder
Am I still free to roam it too?
Can I still sing my song about you?
Will I be able to watch my children grow, our children grow?

I’m yet to see the valley that lies behind this mountain.
I’m willing to complete this journey.
But all I can think about right now is
Will you still be there, on the other side, waiting for me?

¤Sunny¤