Beyond Repair
A late love
You close your eyes and you see him. You remember clearly how it feels to have his arms around you, making time stop and fly by at the same time. There was never enough time together to not make you miss him. You can hear him laugh at your funny comment while he calls you stupid, in the good way. He makes you chuckle every time he claims he’s perfect. “Obviously”. And every single time he calls you beautiful your face turns red from blushing as your heart skips a beat or two whenever he holds your hand.
He promised he would never make you cry, yet he is the reason you haven’t stopped feeling sad. He says he’s always going to be there for you, but you are the one that lays alone in bed every night. His warmth is gone, but you can still feel him holding you. He whispers he loves you and kisses you. You can’t deny you love him too, and miss him almost as much as you love him.
How do you know it was real? You are certain it all happened the way you remember. Memories can be altered and feelings can be fabricated, but you cannot fake your love for him. A late love, the crazy kind that makes sense and none at all altogether. The one you where you just want to see him to talk to about your day and how everything went, or to just sit together in silent company. It could have been the one you grow old with.
You open your eyes, and you mourn once more as you have before. It is not a big deal- you tell yourself- you knew this is how it was going to end. But why does it feel like your heart is gone. You really want to use the word broken but that is such a cliché. Undeniably, there is a hole in your chest, cliché or not, and all you keep asking yourself is the same question all over again. Was it real? You wish it wasn’t, but you already know the answer. No matter how many times you think about it, this heartache is too painful and that is as real as it can get.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Why am I upset?
I’m upset because I am in love with you and it wasn’t supposed to be. Not like this. Because it’s not right and it pains me. And I really don’t want to hurt anymore.
It scares me because I care too much, even though I knew from the beginning how all of this was gonna go. Which is why I avoided it for as long as I did. It’s so unfair.
I’m basically at the same place I was last year, when you held my hand and told me you wanted me to stop hurting and be happy… But I guess some things will never change for me.
I don’t know when or how I fell for you, but we all knew how all of this was gonna end. Wish I could have said I love you more often than I did. And I always hoped we got to spend more time together than we did.
No one has ever held me like you did and I don’t forsee there would be anyone who will. I’m upset for that and a few other reasons. But mostly I’m upset because I love you and I know I will miss you.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
#Blacklivesmatters
And while I try not to hurt from personal pain, the World’s condition we’re living in today continues to make me bleed. Today I’m not only crying for me.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
I’m Good, bye.
You hurt me. Whether you meant to do it or not, you still did. And the unanswered messages and silent nights overwhelmed me when I wondered why you decided to push me away, to cut me out. It seemed unfair… It still does. I didn’t deserved that. You could have just said goodbye for good, if that’s what you wanted.
Not treated right. It felt like I wasn’t good enough, making it seem I was never part of your life. I don’t know what reality I was living in, thinking you actually cared for me, in some way. But your actions have shown me that I still meant nothing to you though you meant so much to me. It’s okay.
I still miss you with the same intensity that I care about you (I won’t say love because you don’t deserve to hear those words from me). Sometimes it’s still hard to breath when I hear your name, feels like a punch to the stomach that slowly creeps up into my heart and makes it bleed. But I’ll be alright, eventually.
Right now my heart still has eyes for you and refuses to look at anyone else in that way. So I’ve decided to start looking into the mirror and love myself more instead. You could say I’ve gotten better while it still hurts. I haven’t really stopped thinking about you every day, some days more than others. And I still pray that you’re doing well, that you don’t forget people love you and that you’re not alone. And when I’m having a bad day, I beg God to let you have a much better one. Yes, I pray because I still care and I do hope only the best for you.
But I had stop trying to reach out in order to keep my sanity. In the end, effort goes both ways and I exceeded mine. I miss you, but you clearly don’t miss me. I wish you the best, and though my heart longs for you, it’s time for me to say ‘Goodbye’. Stay well, and I hope someday you allow yourself to be happy.
Goodbye, my friend.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Between heart and mind
It is only about time you realize that fairy tales do not exist, that not everyone is good at heart and that he will never love you. Because like everything else in your life, no one really cares the way you do.
Everyday you say you’re gonna stop, but you don’t. And that’s why you are so tired. That’s why I’m exhausted.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep doing this to me? I cannot endure it anymore. And I have told you a thousand times but you keep insisting, pushing; all for nothing.
Don’t you see? Even after everything he still does not see you. Not because he can’t, but because he doesn’t want to. That makes it so much harder on us. I don’t think I can go on like this. We battle every day, finally agreeing on the same yet when it comes to action you cannot force your hand and I cannot force mine.
What is wrong with us? When I want to give up, you don’t; when you want to call it quits, I push. Even when we both want the same, we cannot get it. Maybe we are the problem and not him. Because even when we agree we cannot act accordingly.
I mean, he told you not to fall for him. I told you not to fall for him. You agreed.
But like always, you went behind my back and did it anyway. By the time I found out, it was too late. And here we are: both hurting over someone who doesn’t want to see us; loving someone who doesn’t truly deserve us but that we feel needs us. We are well known for that hero complex, aren’t we?
The same complex that developed over time by being fed all the delusional crap we’ve read in books and seen on movies. We always tend to forget that does not happen in real life, or at least not in ours.
But I’ll stop when you do… Do you really want to? I do too.
But rest assured you are lying to me as I am lying to you. We know it is only a matter of time until we find each other having this conversation all over again.
Sad
You’ve lost count of how many times people ask you “how are you doing”. Every time your response is different. The truth is you don’t want them to find out you are unhappy. Not because you’re mad at someone but because you feel very sad about everything that’s been going on in your life the past few years. It makes you sadder not being able to talk about it, because honesty is underrated and people prefer to lie instead of being straight forward about the truth.
Sadness covers you because no one really cares about you, or so you think. Sure, they ask about how you are doing but it’s become a superficial question; no one really wants to know what’s in your heart and mind, or what really bothers your soul. No one really appreciates knowing a little bit more about yourself. No one really cares that you have never been given a real chance.
And even after knowing all of this, you still keep jumping into the abyss and hope for someone to be down there willing to catch you. You see everyone else getting gently embraced at the end but that’s never been your case. And yet you hope it might finally happen, so you jump once more.
After all the falls where you’ve ended up face flat into the ground, shattered to pieces. After all the time it took you to pick yourself up, on your own, and put all the pieces back together again. After all the hope, the hurt, the pain and tears, you still jumped. But you’ve been falling for a longer time than usual, it feels like a loop. This time feels different because even though you are still falling, the closer you think you’re getting to the end, the sadder and colder you feel, and that’s never happenned before.
Because this time your heart is already broken and you haven’t touch the ground yet. This time, deep down, you knew the answer was no but you still fell.
You feel sad and call yourself stupid, as you are tired of everything, for not having what you’ve always wanted and probably never will. Because when you look at all the facts, even though life and people haven’t been fair or faithful to you, the only one to blame here is yourself.
No wonder you feel so sad.
For that, and whole lot more, you feel sad today and it’s the right way to feel.
Selfish Cycle (In your own kind of way)
Broken/
Human nature/
False hope/ All illusion/
You tell me I need to learn to be selfish/
Maybe I already am/ In my own way/
In loving you even when you told me not to/
In caring too much, for my own sake/
Maybe not being selfish is selfishness in its own way/
Senseless/ Lost way/
Sharp stabbing pain to the heart/
I am sad/ Sometimes more than less/
Whirlpool of madness/
Missing you has never been a problem/
Knowing you don’t miss me the same is/
Can’t reclaim what was never yours/
Brick wall/
Hard fall/ Splintered soul/
Say good night/
Go back into another restless night/
Wake up/
Repeat.
– ¤SUNNY¤
New you: Lost Game (Day 6 of 6)
You thought you were a new you, but you keep doing it; it turns out you’re the same old one.
Losing and parting ways before absence takes place, while they are still here.
There’s that deafening silence that pierces through and reaches your soul.
But you swallow your heart and shut your senses to what feels real.
Turns out you lost.
¤SUNNY¤
Invisible (Day 5 of 6)
When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower. You’d hide around the house, sneaking up on your mom while she pretended she couldn’t see you. You’d believe it and felt like the most powerful being on the world. You always thought how amazing it would be to just be invisible to other people and walk amongst them without being noticed. It was all fun and games.
But you grew up and now it’s not so fun anymore. Because of all the people that you would want to be invisible to, he is not one of them. Yet he acts like you’re no longer there. No words are directed at you and he doesn’t look at you anymore. It’s like all of a sudden you’d ceased to exist and he can’t (doesn’t want to) see you ever again.
When you were little you’d never thought being invisible would cause you pain and hurt and so, oh so much sadness.
When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower until you got tired and stopped pretending. But this time you cannot stop pretending, because he’s the one that gave you that “superpower”. And though you no longer want to be invisible to him, it’s not up to you anymore. And it doesn’t seem you’ll stop being invisible any time soon and that really hurts.
¤SUNNY¤
A look into the heart of Sunny 