Beyond Repair
A late love
You close your eyes and you see him. You remember clearly how it feels to have his arms around you, making time stop and fly by at the same time. There was never enough time together to not make you miss him. You can hear him laugh at your funny comment while he calls you stupid, in the good way. He makes you chuckle every time he claims he’s perfect. “Obviously”. And every single time he calls you beautiful your face turns red from blushing as your heart skips a beat or two whenever he holds your hand.
He promised he would never make you cry, yet he is the reason you haven’t stopped feeling sad. He says he’s always going to be there for you, but you are the one that lays alone in bed every night. His warmth is gone, but you can still feel him holding you. He whispers he loves you and kisses you. You can’t deny you love him too, and miss him almost as much as you love him.
How do you know it was real? You are certain it all happened the way you remember. Memories can be altered and feelings can be fabricated, but you cannot fake your love for him. A late love, the crazy kind that makes sense and none at all altogether. The one you where you just want to see him to talk to about your day and how everything went, or to just sit together in silent company. It could have been the one you grow old with.
You open your eyes, and you mourn once more as you have before. It is not a big deal- you tell yourself- you knew this is how it was going to end. But why does it feel like your heart is gone. You really want to use the word broken but that is such a cliché. Undeniably, there is a hole in your chest, cliché or not, and all you keep asking yourself is the same question all over again. Was it real? You wish it wasn’t, but you already know the answer. No matter how many times you think about it, this heartache is too painful and that is as real as it can get.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Why am I upset?
I’m upset because I am in love with you and it wasn’t supposed to be. Not like this. Because it’s not right and it pains me. And I really don’t want to hurt anymore.
It scares me because I care too much, even though I knew from the beginning how all of this was gonna go. Which is why I avoided it for as long as I did. It’s so unfair.
I’m basically at the same place I was last year, when you held my hand and told me you wanted me to stop hurting and be happy… But I guess some things will never change for me.
I don’t know when or how I fell for you, but we all knew how all of this was gonna end. Wish I could have said I love you more often than I did. And I always hoped we got to spend more time together than we did.
No one has ever held me like you did and I don’t forsee there would be anyone who will. I’m upset for that and a few other reasons. But mostly I’m upset because I love you and I know I will miss you.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
#Blacklivesmatters
And while I try not to hurt from personal pain, the World’s condition we’re living in today continues to make me bleed. Today I’m not only crying for me.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Sad
You’ve lost count of how many times people ask you “how are you doing”. Every time your response is different. The truth is you don’t want them to find out you are unhappy. Not because you’re mad at someone but because you feel very sad about everything that’s been going on in your life the past few years. It makes you sadder not being able to talk about it, because honesty is underrated and people prefer to lie instead of being straight forward about the truth.
Sadness covers you because no one really cares about you, or so you think. Sure, they ask about how you are doing but it’s become a superficial question; no one really wants to know what’s in your heart and mind, or what really bothers your soul. No one really appreciates knowing a little bit more about yourself. No one really cares that you have never been given a real chance.
And even after knowing all of this, you still keep jumping into the abyss and hope for someone to be down there willing to catch you. You see everyone else getting gently embraced at the end but that’s never been your case. And yet you hope it might finally happen, so you jump once more.
After all the falls where you’ve ended up face flat into the ground, shattered to pieces. After all the time it took you to pick yourself up, on your own, and put all the pieces back together again. After all the hope, the hurt, the pain and tears, you still jumped. But you’ve been falling for a longer time than usual, it feels like a loop. This time feels different because even though you are still falling, the closer you think you’re getting to the end, the sadder and colder you feel, and that’s never happenned before.
Because this time your heart is already broken and you haven’t touch the ground yet. This time, deep down, you knew the answer was no but you still fell.
You feel sad and call yourself stupid, as you are tired of everything, for not having what you’ve always wanted and probably never will. Because when you look at all the facts, even though life and people haven’t been fair or faithful to you, the only one to blame here is yourself.
No wonder you feel so sad.
For that, and whole lot more, you feel sad today and it’s the right way to feel.
Selfish Cycle (In your own kind of way)
Broken/
Human nature/
False hope/ All illusion/
You tell me I need to learn to be selfish/
Maybe I already am/ In my own way/
In loving you even when you told me not to/
In caring too much, for my own sake/
Maybe not being selfish is selfishness in its own way/
Senseless/ Lost way/
Sharp stabbing pain to the heart/
I am sad/ Sometimes more than less/
Whirlpool of madness/
Missing you has never been a problem/
Knowing you don’t miss me the same is/
Can’t reclaim what was never yours/
Brick wall/
Hard fall/ Splintered soul/
Say good night/
Go back into another restless night/
Wake up/
Repeat.
– ¤SUNNY¤
Some type of Love life
You currently do not have a love life, unless you count being in love with an idiot who doesn’t realize how much you love him and all he means to you a love life…
Every time you see a friends relationship go down the drains is like your heart breaks a little and you feel a little bit of pain. They tend to move on to the next person rather quickly and you can’t understand how they do it. How do they move on so fast onto the next person when used to say they loved the person they were with before? And that might work for them but not for you.
For you, loving someone doesn’t come or goes away lightly. If anyone ever really felt love as you do: a deep connection to someone you can be yourself and see a future with, someone you look forward to share all your life with. Someone you can’t take out of your mind even if you’re mad at them, and that you wish and pray is having a good day even if you’re having a really bad one. Someone you’re willing to go to the end of the Earth to make them happy and help them achieve their biggest dream and success. That kind of love, which is the only one you’ve felt, it is not easily broken or easy to part with.
You may barely have a love life and he may never come to realize it, but your love is real. Your love is wanting him to be happy, as happy as he can be, even if it means not ending up with you.
¤SUNNY¤
No way out
There’s no way out of this misery.
When you feel like your heart’s been ripped out and you were left to die out in the darkest alley of the world.
There will be no lights to guide you this time. You’ve reached your end and there’s no way out.
¤SUNNY¤
Invisible (Day 5 of 6)
When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower. You’d hide around the house, sneaking up on your mom while she pretended she couldn’t see you. You’d believe it and felt like the most powerful being on the world. You always thought how amazing it would be to just be invisible to other people and walk amongst them without being noticed. It was all fun and games.
But you grew up and now it’s not so fun anymore. Because of all the people that you would want to be invisible to, he is not one of them. Yet he acts like you’re no longer there. No words are directed at you and he doesn’t look at you anymore. It’s like all of a sudden you’d ceased to exist and he can’t (doesn’t want to) see you ever again.
When you were little you’d never thought being invisible would cause you pain and hurt and so, oh so much sadness.
When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower until you got tired and stopped pretending. But this time you cannot stop pretending, because he’s the one that gave you that “superpower”. And though you no longer want to be invisible to him, it’s not up to you anymore. And it doesn’t seem you’ll stop being invisible any time soon and that really hurts.
¤SUNNY¤
You’ll survive
-“How do you survive a broken heart?”, she asked.
-“You pick yourself up and look forward.
And eventually you’ll realize it.”, he said.
-“Realize what?”, she questioned, this time fighting the tears in her eyes.
-“You’ll either realize that you never really loved them or that you lost an unforgettable kind of love. The kind that, even after healing and finding someone new to love, still leaves a small void that would never be filled by anyone else, only them.
How do you survive a broken heart? You keep on living and with time your hurt will be replaced by numbness, and that numbness will either disappear or never go away. You’ll survive, but you will never be the same”, he finalized as she started to walk away.
¤SUNNY¤
A look into the heart of Sunny 