Posted on by sunandsea9

A late love

You close your eyes and you see him. You remember clearly how it feels to have his arms around you, making time stop and fly by at the same time. There was never enough time together to not make you miss him. You can hear him laugh at your funny comment while he calls you stupid, in the good way. He makes you chuckle every time he claims he’s perfect. “Obviously”. And every single time he calls you beautiful your face turns red from blushing as your heart skips a beat or two whenever he holds your hand.

He promised he would never make you cry, yet he is the reason you haven’t stopped feeling sad. He says he’s always going to be there for you, but you are the one that lays alone in bed every night. His warmth is gone, but you can still feel him holding you. He whispers he loves you and kisses you. You can’t deny you love him too, and miss him almost as much as you love him.

How do you know it was real? You are certain it all happened the way you remember. Memories can be altered and feelings can be fabricated, but you cannot fake your love for him. A late love, the crazy kind that makes sense and none at all altogether. The one you where you just want to see him to talk to about your day and how everything went, or to just sit together in silent company. It could have been the one you grow old with.

You open your eyes, and you mourn once more as you have before. It is not a big deal- you tell yourself- you knew this is how it was going to end. But why does it feel like your heart is gone. You really want to use the word broken but that is such a cliché. Undeniably, there is a hole in your chest, cliché or not, and all you keep asking yourself is the same question all over again. Was it real? You wish it wasn’t, but you already know the answer. No matter how many times you think about it, this heartache is too painful and that is as real as it can get.

∼ ¤Sunny¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

Why am I upset?

I’m upset because I am in love with you and it wasn’t supposed to be. Not like this. Because it’s not right and it pains me. And I really don’t want to hurt anymore.

It scares me because I care too much, even though I knew from the beginning how all of this was gonna go. Which is why I avoided it for as long as I did. It’s so unfair.

I’m basically at the same place I was last year, when you held my hand and told me you wanted me to stop hurting and be happy… But I guess some things will never change for me.

I don’t know when or how I fell for you, but we all knew how all of this was gonna end. Wish I could have said I love you more often than I did. And I always hoped we got to spend more time together than we did.

No one has ever held me like you did and I don’t forsee there would be anyone who will. I’m upset for that and a few other reasons. But mostly I’m upset because I love you and I know I will miss you.

∼ ¤Sunny¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

Sad

You’ve lost count of how many times people ask you “how are you doing”. Every time your response is different. The truth is you don’t want them to find out you are unhappy. Not because you’re mad at someone but because you feel very sad about everything that’s been going on in your life the past few years. It makes you sadder not being able to talk about it, because honesty is underrated and people prefer to lie instead of being straight forward about the truth.

Sadness covers you because no one really cares about you, or so you think. Sure, they ask about how you are doing but it’s become a superficial question; no one really wants to know what’s in your heart and mind, or what really bothers your soul. No one really appreciates knowing a little bit more about yourself. No one really cares that you have never been given a real chance.

And even after knowing all of this, you still keep jumping into the abyss and hope for someone to be down there willing to catch you. You see everyone else getting gently embraced at the end but that’s never been your case. And yet you hope it might finally happen, so you jump once more.

After all the falls where you’ve ended up face flat into the ground, shattered to pieces. After all the time it took you to pick yourself up, on your own, and put all the pieces back together again. After all the hope, the hurt, the pain and tears, you still jumped. But you’ve been falling for a longer time than usual, it feels like a loop. This time feels different because even though you are still falling, the closer you think you’re getting to the end, the sadder and colder you feel, and that’s never happenned before.

Because this time your heart is already broken and you haven’t touch the ground yet. This time, deep down, you knew the answer was no but you still fell.

You feel sad and call yourself stupid, as you are tired of everything, for not having what you’ve always wanted and probably never will. Because when you look at all the facts, even though life and people haven’t been fair or faithful to you, the only one to blame here is yourself.

No wonder you feel so sad.

For that, and whole lot more, you feel sad today and it’s the right way to feel.

Posted on by sunandsea9

Selfish Cycle (In your own kind of way)

Broken/

Human nature/

False hope/ All illusion/

You tell me I need to learn to be selfish/

Maybe I already am/ In my own way/

In loving you even when you told me not to/

In caring too much, for my own sake/

Maybe not being selfish is selfishness in its own way/

Senseless/ Lost way/

Sharp stabbing pain to the heart/

I am sad/ Sometimes more than less/

Whirlpool of madness/

Missing you has never been a problem/

Knowing you don’t miss me the same is/

Can’t reclaim what was never yours/

Brick wall/

Hard fall/ Splintered soul/

Say good night/

Go back into another restless night/

Wake up/

Repeat.

– ¤SUNNY¤

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No way out

There’s no way out of this misery.

When you feel like your heart’s been ripped out and you were left to die out in the darkest alley of the world.

There will be no lights to guide you this time. You’ve reached your end and there’s no way out.

¤SUNNY¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

New you: Lost Game (Day 6 of 6)

You thought you were a new you, but you keep doing it; it turns out you’re the same old one.

Losing and parting ways before absence takes place, while they are still here.

There’s that deafening silence that pierces through and reaches your soul.

But you swallow your heart and shut your senses to what feels real.

Turns out you lost.

¤SUNNY¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

Invisible (Day 5 of 6)

When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower. You’d hide around the house, sneaking up on your mom while she pretended she couldn’t see you. You’d believe it and felt like the most powerful being on the world. You always thought how amazing it would be to just be invisible to other people and walk amongst them without being noticed. It was all fun and games.

But you grew up and now it’s not so fun anymore. Because of all the people that you would want to be invisible to, he is not one of them. Yet he acts like you’re no longer there. No words are directed at you and he doesn’t look at you anymore. It’s like all of a sudden you’d ceased to exist and he can’t (doesn’t want to) see you ever again.

When you were little you’d never thought being invisible would cause you pain and hurt and so, oh so much sadness.

When you were a little girl, you imagined invisibility was your greatest superpower until you got tired and stopped pretending. But this time you cannot stop pretending, because he’s the one that gave you that “superpower”. And though you no longer want to be invisible to him, it’s not up to you anymore. And it doesn’t seem you’ll stop being invisible any time soon and that really hurts.

¤SUNNY¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

You’ll survive

-“How do you survive a broken heart?”, she asked.

-“You pick yourself up and look forward.

And eventually you’ll realize it.”, he said.

-“Realize what?”, she questioned, this time fighting the tears in her eyes.

-“You’ll either realize that you never really loved them or that you lost an unforgettable kind of love. The kind that, even after healing and finding someone new to love, still leaves a small void that would never be filled by anyone else, only them.

How do you survive a broken heart? You keep on living and with time your hurt will be replaced by numbness, and that numbness will either disappear or never go away. You’ll survive, but you will never be the same”, he finalized as she started to walk away.

¤SUNNY¤

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The Other Side

It was evergreen valleys where I used to roam free.
Where I sang my song, a song about you.
Where I saw my children grow, our children grow.

But suddenly I don’t see it anymore.
I am in an empty, cold steel box
Floating away, away from you.

A heavy heart, a sad soul and a broken promise
Of soulmates who met and,
Though they finally met each other,
Had to part ways.

Where the valley ends, begins a mountain
That makes me wonder
Am I still free to roam it too?
Can I still sing my song about you?
Will I be able to watch my children grow, our children grow?

I’m yet to see the valley that lies behind this mountain.
I’m willing to complete this journey.
But all I can think about right now is
Will you still be there, on the other side, waiting for me?

¤Sunny¤

Posted on by sunandsea9

Willing Smile

Behind her willing smile dwelled a sadness deeper than the ocean, filled with the tears she had poured over the years of unspoken words and kept feelings. She thought a taken risk will break her heart, but she never realized it was, in fact, a broken heart what she had for never trying.

¤ Sunny ¤