Beyond Repair
A late love
You close your eyes and you see him. You remember clearly how it feels to have his arms around you, making time stop and fly by at the same time. There was never enough time together to not make you miss him. You can hear him laugh at your funny comment while he calls you stupid, in the good way. He makes you chuckle every time he claims he’s perfect. “Obviously”. And every single time he calls you beautiful your face turns red from blushing as your heart skips a beat or two whenever he holds your hand.
He promised he would never make you cry, yet he is the reason you haven’t stopped feeling sad. He says he’s always going to be there for you, but you are the one that lays alone in bed every night. His warmth is gone, but you can still feel him holding you. He whispers he loves you and kisses you. You can’t deny you love him too, and miss him almost as much as you love him.
How do you know it was real? You are certain it all happened the way you remember. Memories can be altered and feelings can be fabricated, but you cannot fake your love for him. A late love, the crazy kind that makes sense and none at all altogether. The one you where you just want to see him to talk to about your day and how everything went, or to just sit together in silent company. It could have been the one you grow old with.
You open your eyes, and you mourn once more as you have before. It is not a big deal- you tell yourself- you knew this is how it was going to end. But why does it feel like your heart is gone. You really want to use the word broken but that is such a cliché. Undeniably, there is a hole in your chest, cliché or not, and all you keep asking yourself is the same question all over again. Was it real? You wish it wasn’t, but you already know the answer. No matter how many times you think about it, this heartache is too painful and that is as real as it can get.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Why am I upset?
I’m upset because I am in love with you and it wasn’t supposed to be. Not like this. Because it’s not right and it pains me. And I really don’t want to hurt anymore.
It scares me because I care too much, even though I knew from the beginning how all of this was gonna go. Which is why I avoided it for as long as I did. It’s so unfair.
I’m basically at the same place I was last year, when you held my hand and told me you wanted me to stop hurting and be happy… But I guess some things will never change for me.
I don’t know when or how I fell for you, but we all knew how all of this was gonna end. Wish I could have said I love you more often than I did. And I always hoped we got to spend more time together than we did.
No one has ever held me like you did and I don’t forsee there would be anyone who will. I’m upset for that and a few other reasons. But mostly I’m upset because I love you and I know I will miss you.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Untitled
My biggest regret was not telling you.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Te quise mucho
Sí, te quise mucho. Sin recibir ninguna otra indicación, solo pasó. Y no sé por qué nunca te lo dije. Quizás por miedo. Por no tener el valor de decírtelo de frente o porque sabía que tú no sientes lo mismo. Después de todo, nunca sabré qué es peor: declararse aún sabiendo la respuesta o quedárselo todo por dentro.
Te dije lo importante que eras para mi; eso no fue suficiente para que te dieras cuenta de mis sentimientos o para hacerte entender que tus palabras y acciones me afectan de una manera intensa que ni sé cómo explicar. Me culpo a mi misma por las expectativas que tengo, o tenía, de ti. Pensé que ser amigos sería suficiente y aun en eso tenemos dos conceptos de amistad totalmente distintos.
Mencionaste hacer planes y, aunque sabía que no cumplirías, una pequeña parte de mi esperó con ansias. Pero nada, solo silencio, como siempre. Y como ya no sé si te vuelva a ver decidí escribirte un pequeño adiós pero ni eso reconociste. Parece que al final de todo yo nunca tuve importancia o prioridad para ti. Y eso duele porque te quise.
Sí, te quise mucho.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
#Blacklivesmatters
And while I try not to hurt from personal pain, the World’s condition we’re living in today continues to make me bleed. Today I’m not only crying for me.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
I’m Good, bye.
You hurt me. Whether you meant to do it or not, you still did. And the unanswered messages and silent nights overwhelmed me when I wondered why you decided to push me away, to cut me out. It seemed unfair… It still does. I didn’t deserved that. You could have just said goodbye for good, if that’s what you wanted.
Not treated right. It felt like I wasn’t good enough, making it seem I was never part of your life. I don’t know what reality I was living in, thinking you actually cared for me, in some way. But your actions have shown me that I still meant nothing to you though you meant so much to me. It’s okay.
I still miss you with the same intensity that I care about you (I won’t say love because you don’t deserve to hear those words from me). Sometimes it’s still hard to breath when I hear your name, feels like a punch to the stomach that slowly creeps up into my heart and makes it bleed. But I’ll be alright, eventually.
Right now my heart still has eyes for you and refuses to look at anyone else in that way. So I’ve decided to start looking into the mirror and love myself more instead. You could say I’ve gotten better while it still hurts. I haven’t really stopped thinking about you every day, some days more than others. And I still pray that you’re doing well, that you don’t forget people love you and that you’re not alone. And when I’m having a bad day, I beg God to let you have a much better one. Yes, I pray because I still care and I do hope only the best for you.
But I had stop trying to reach out in order to keep my sanity. In the end, effort goes both ways and I exceeded mine. I miss you, but you clearly don’t miss me. I wish you the best, and though my heart longs for you, it’s time for me to say ‘Goodbye’. Stay well, and I hope someday you allow yourself to be happy.
Goodbye, my friend.
∼ ¤Sunny¤
Sad
You’ve lost count of how many times people ask you “how are you doing”. Every time your response is different. The truth is you don’t want them to find out you are unhappy. Not because you’re mad at someone but because you feel very sad about everything that’s been going on in your life the past few years. It makes you sadder not being able to talk about it, because honesty is underrated and people prefer to lie instead of being straight forward about the truth.
Sadness covers you because no one really cares about you, or so you think. Sure, they ask about how you are doing but it’s become a superficial question; no one really wants to know what’s in your heart and mind, or what really bothers your soul. No one really appreciates knowing a little bit more about yourself. No one really cares that you have never been given a real chance.
And even after knowing all of this, you still keep jumping into the abyss and hope for someone to be down there willing to catch you. You see everyone else getting gently embraced at the end but that’s never been your case. And yet you hope it might finally happen, so you jump once more.
After all the falls where you’ve ended up face flat into the ground, shattered to pieces. After all the time it took you to pick yourself up, on your own, and put all the pieces back together again. After all the hope, the hurt, the pain and tears, you still jumped. But you’ve been falling for a longer time than usual, it feels like a loop. This time feels different because even though you are still falling, the closer you think you’re getting to the end, the sadder and colder you feel, and that’s never happenned before.
Because this time your heart is already broken and you haven’t touch the ground yet. This time, deep down, you knew the answer was no but you still fell.
You feel sad and call yourself stupid, as you are tired of everything, for not having what you’ve always wanted and probably never will. Because when you look at all the facts, even though life and people haven’t been fair or faithful to you, the only one to blame here is yourself.
No wonder you feel so sad.
For that, and whole lot more, you feel sad today and it’s the right way to feel.
Selfish Cycle (In your own kind of way)
Broken/
Human nature/
False hope/ All illusion/
You tell me I need to learn to be selfish/
Maybe I already am/ In my own way/
In loving you even when you told me not to/
In caring too much, for my own sake/
Maybe not being selfish is selfishness in its own way/
Senseless/ Lost way/
Sharp stabbing pain to the heart/
I am sad/ Sometimes more than less/
Whirlpool of madness/
Missing you has never been a problem/
Knowing you don’t miss me the same is/
Can’t reclaim what was never yours/
Brick wall/
Hard fall/ Splintered soul/
Say good night/
Go back into another restless night/
Wake up/
Repeat.
– ¤SUNNY¤
“I am strong, but I am also tired. A deep breath fills my lungs every few seconds so my feet can keep moving forward on a road that, I can only hope, leads me straight to you.” – ¤SUNNY¤
(Sept. 18, 2019)
A look into the heart of Sunny 